Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Broken

I am going to clean up the blog a bit.  Sketched over the weekend but you will shortly see what happens when one loses passion for what one is doing.  Normally I'd be embarrassed enough at this to not even bother posting it.  But I think it is important to show what happens to me when I lose interest in a painting.  This one was going ok...so so...during the pencil process.  My goal was rapid and loose (for me).  I wanted to drop in loose color, much in the manner of Nora McPhail...just loose, crisp (loose and crisp sounds like an oxymoron), clean.  I was sitting on the balcony looking across the street...a view I've always liked at Jeff's house.  Worries, fatigue, stress, and seeing the drawing deteriorate...all made me know I should have just erased the page and walk away.  But no...not me.  Gotta ruin the danged page in the book.


Yeesh...ruined that view.

So I am going to try to keep my blog unpersonal.  I'm going back in with heavy editing hand.  I want to be a new me.  I don't like the old one.

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Why am I me?

No painting this week...but a couple of sketches.  I know they aren't very good.  Always something wonky in whatever I lay my hands on.  I just needed to play with a pencil.  I apologize in advance.


 I leave you all with this song on my mind...

Monday, March 27, 2017

There was a draw...

I was thinking about needing inspiration to paint and I remembered that the copyrights last what...70 or 80 years?  So I looked up images from the 1920's and painted from one of them.  A few changes, not completely as in the photo...so hopefully this is no harm, no foul.  I just love old glamourish images and memories and the like...I loved that these two were at a street cafe...  If you look, it could be today.  The one on the left is looking down at her cell...the one on the right has one up to her ear.  Well, not really, but in my imagination.  France.  That is what I am picturing.



So anyway, since I am talking about imagination...I always, ALWAYS have the urge to write.  I love to write.  I used to be good at it.  But I just do not have the imagination to think of a good story.  Or I think of something to write about and promptly forget it before I can put pen to paper.
  

Friday, March 24, 2017

For Barbra Joan

Your post with your necklace made me think of this song:




This second one is for me.  I remember it from when I was a little girl and have always remembered it.  It is one of those songs that I find myself singing to myself in the bathroom...(I don't know...am I nuts?)

No art but definitely inspired by both Chris and Joan and Nora...

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Running out of steam...

So no "real" paintings (in my mind, at any rate), but a few sketches in a sketch book.  Yes, I do type like I tend to speak.  Yikes!  I apologize in advance, but at least I am trying, right?

 

So the last photo is one of the sketchbooks that I have.  It doesn't take w/c very well (the pages warp), but it has ideas for drawing.  That is what these two little paintings are, two of the ideas.  Sometimes I need that.  I have a couple of others done but nothing special.  Though I daresay the Cat in the Hat I did could be right off the original pages of Dr. Seuss' book!  The writing you see in the upper left of each is the printed prompt in the book.  Got it at Barnes & Noble at suggestion of my daughter.  She was taking a painting class at Michael's (I think it was) and met at least one new friend and was working on her own skills.  Anyhow, I made the leap, even though I don't have time, energy, or original ideas and do give it go now and then.  My galaxy and asteroid drawings totally suck and I will probably never share those.  Just ink drawings, nothing special, no contrast, contour, shade/shadow...Just an effort to scratch it out.  Just noticed that the shading on the lamp looks like pencil!  I did it in pen before laying in the washes.

I am going to start grad school shortly (3/30, to be precise).  Master's in Secondary Education...I guess it is.  I am aiming to teach math.  And think of my work schedule.  It will match my husband's, as long as he stays working in the school.  Nice in the summer, no?  Well, I pray God will give me strength, energy, continued motivation, and some peace during the process.  Should take about 18 months, with luck.  Fortunately, all online.  Will help make it easier.

Late start day at work today.  Will have to get moving shortly.  Sigh...I don't wanna go...

And I leave you with this song in my heart:


Saturday, March 18, 2017

Another painting (seriously on a roll...)


Not a fan of Asian art by a long shot...but sometimes I sit and struggle with ideas of what to paint or draw.  Geisha kept popping in my head.  I wanted that high contrast with colors, the definition of line.  I decided to go with it.  You can see some false line work in there.  Soon as I added in the mouth I knew my proportions were off.  Still something off here...the eyes, I think.  The pupils?  And I see the image is a tad bleached out.  Sigh...I work on editing these in my phone...sometimes here on the computer.  Should have enhanced on the puter.

What makes this different than usual portraits for me?  I did not use a grid.  I usually get a pretty decent portrait when I use grids and I love doing portraits.  I'm not considering myself an artist when I paint them...but for some reason, the portraits are my favorites to paint.  This image was freehand.  My source was from images on line.  No, not going to sell and no idea who took the photo.  This lady would be appalled to see what I've done to her.  The point, however, is that I tried.  That I am painting.  Quite unusual in and of itself.

Feeling quite down on myself, as usual.  I let nasty comments said by someone close to me rip apart my self-esteem and confidence in myself.  Then I'm told that if I rely on this person for my self-confidence I have a problem.  You get ripped and torn and shredded enough, you begin to believe what is said.

So...I leave you - as usual - with a song.

Friday, March 17, 2017

Happy Birthday to My St. Patty's Baby!

Thank you to Chris Lally and to Joan for getting me motivated and moving with my art.  Also thank you to my oldest daughter who always gives great advice on making a piece better.  I love antiques and things that are more mundane but on the glamorous end of the spectrum.  Tasteful glamour.  An antique atomizer...(I just bought an atomizer to save a bottle of perfume that could not be sprayed...)  I have another sketch coming but want to wash in some color first.  Loving the Strathmore watercolor sketchbook.  Pages are beautifully thick and I can use each side.
 


So 31 years ago today, I had my last baby.  How the days have flown by.  I still picture both my daughters as they were when they were little.  I see their long hair flying, their eyes lit with wonder and joy and all things new and bright and shiny.  How I miss those days.  How I miss those babies that loved me so much.  How much hope I had for them, wishing them all the joy, all the health, and all the happiness God can bring.  So when you reach the bottom of this post, know that this one reminds me so much of my youngest daughter.  She will champion what she believes strongly in.  She participated in a weekend at Soldier Field in which people were peacefully protesting for those people displaced from their homes.  They all stayed in cardboard boxes that weekend.  She took photos and set them to this song.  I cannot hear it without being so proud of my baby.  Happy birthday, LeAnn!

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Cooking with gas...

...now!  Yes, I know!  I've been painting of late.  Caught the bug again - at least for now.  So in my sketch book and finished yesterday is this one:


And will wonders never cease, but I did another this morning.  Don't ask me why the need for words always, but whatever I guess.  I kind of liked this quote and I'm sorry I didn't write down who said it...found it online..."Her smile put the sunflower to shame..."

So, watching a commercial the other day, I saw a sunflower painting in the background with dark lines and bright colors and wanted to try something similar.  I've always loved the dark lines (ink?) and bright colors afforded by watercolor and thought I'd walk down this path again (I've done it before).  I am trying for a bit more boldness with my lines, even if they aren't perfect.  I hate doing pieces that are so commonplace in the artist world...such as sunflowers...but it was calling me.

Did another painting this morning and will share it another day.  God knows I am not a prolific painter so why put all my eggs in one basket.  I am sure that soon I will feel like writing again and will want something to add to the post.  Saving it for then.

Considering earning my Master's Degree.  Have an upcoming call this morning at 9:30 to discuss with counselor.  Today is my late day at work so have the morning free.  Nice sometimes, though getting off at 9 p.m. is tough when I have to be back at work tomorrow morning.  Yes, I am still medical assisting.  Wish I was back in accounting though.  Wasting that BBA for sure.  

So what music is in my heart this morning...How about this one...

Saturday, March 11, 2017

At Last...A Painting

So I finally managed to do a painting.  Not my favorite medium...oil...but that was the mood that struck.  So I went with the rare moment of motivation to create (rare of late, at least).  Here is what I came up with.  Know I was inspired by the heartland in which I live.


Took a couple of suggestions from my daughter on ways to make this a better painting.  She was right.  Do I claim to be a great artist?  Quite the contrary.  Just a need to keep trying.  Not as frequent of a need as it used to be because I kind of give up hope that I will ever be admired as an artist...but just for sheer love of the idea of being an artist.  I guess.  What a quagmire that line of thinking will lead to!  Anyway, I think this is maybe 10 x 18 inches.  Something like that.  Still needs to be varnished and framed, but it is done.  Bas relief done with modeling paste and stencils.

So life is still up and down.  Still love my husband but man!  Do we have our battles on occasion.  And they get ugly!  But we are close to one year of marriage at this point...I hope we both mellow with time without losing passion.

Did I mention another new baby in my gaggle of grands?  LeAnn had a little boy January 15th (I think it was).  Going to the last baby's 2nd birthday at her house this afternoon.  She said Jessie will be there so I should get to see her two, Lee's two youngest as well.  Her older two are with their dads this weekend.  Next weekend we're taking all of them out to breakfast for Easter (I don't think next Sunday is Easter, but we schedule around kids and I want to see all of them).

So...I realize that I also love music and since I started this blog I've been adding in a you tube video of songs I really like and that bring back memories, some good, some sad, but all mine.  In light of the fact that I finished a painting...an amazing feat in and of itself...I leave you with this:

Saturday, February 4, 2017

Depression? Anxiety? Melancholy?

Call it what you will...but I kind of want to try to distinguish...a little self reflection.  And no...I don't think that I am really self-absorbed so much.  I just choose to write about what I know.  Me.  Then I don't step on anyone else's toes.  I hate offending people.  I'm a mouse at times.  Fierce when necessary.  But basically...a doormat who doesn't like to offend.  So...back to subject at hand.

I've always considered myself a melancholy type of person.  In the interest of writing this post, see online definition(s) as follows:

Part of Speech

Definition
Adjective1. Characterized by or causing or expressing sadness; "growing more melancholy every hour"; "we acquainted him with the melancholy truth".[Wordnet]
2. Grave or even gloomy in character.[Wordnet]
3. Depressed in spirits; dejected; gloomy dismal.[Websters]
4. Favorable to meditation; somber.[Websters]
5. Somewhat deranged in mind; having the jugment impaired.[Websters]
6. Producing great evil and grief; causing dejection; calamitous; afflictive; as, a melancholy event.[Websters]
7. Being sad, gloomy, dreary, mournful or sorrowful. [Eve - graph theoretic]
8. Being dismal, cheerless, bleak, sullen or doleful. [Eve - graph theoretic]
9. Being sorry or rueful. [Eve - graph theoretic]
10. Being somber or saturnine.[Eve - graph theoretic]
Noun1. A feeling of thoughtful sadness.[Wordnet]
2. A constitutional tendency to be gloomy and depressed.[Wordnet]
3. A humor that was once believed to be secreted by the kidneys or spleen and to cause sadness and melancholy.[Wordnet]
4. Depression of spirits; a gloomy state continuing a considerable time; deep dejection; gloominess.[Websters]
5. Great and continued depression of spirits, amounting to mental unsoundness; melancholia.[Websters]
6. Pensive meditation; serious thoughtfulness.[Websters]
7. Ill nature.[Websters].

Well...color me corrected.  Totally re-directs where I was going with this blog post.  Sheesh.  I guess I always considered melancholy, or melancholia, along the lines of adjective definition number 10 or noun definition number 6.

I am quiet and introspective.  Some people bring out my sense of humor, my joie de vivre.  But circumstances in life, injustices, meanness, nastiness of human spirit, stresses and worries...all tend to take me down.  I get sad when faced with daily struggles and all of the above.  Stressors always include worries about money, relationships, traffic, job pressures...and did I say relationships???

I love to make people laugh, easily make fun of myself and when the spirit is not mean, can laugh at myself when someone else does it.  I like the clouds, the rains, the winds, the storms of nature.  I am told that this makes me mentally unsound.  Sunshine and heat?  Not my favorite.  Makes my eyes hurt, burns my skin, makes me sweat.  I don't take criticism well.  I have had a lifetime and gutfuls of it.  Constructive?  If presented right, I can take.  I am a homebody...love staying in watching movies, reading a book, writing (even if just a letter), doing something creative, looking at photos...thinking.  I spend a lot of time in my head.  Its rather interesting to me up in there.  I do not have an addictive personality.  I don't take meds, unless antibiotic in nature and necessary.  No dulling what life throws at me.  Want my head in the game all the time.  I want to experience life fully, to the best of my ability.

All these things, these thoughts, according to my other half, make me abnormal and in need of psychological help.  I don't pour things on peoples' heads, spit in their face, call them names, or in any manner threaten.  I don't try to control their opinions or their thoughts.  I don't talk over them or insult them.  If I can't say something nice, I try to say nothing at all.  I don't bully.  I would be devastated to know I hurt someone, anyone, in any way.  So I shut down when these things happen to me.  I don't just "get over it."

I guess this is too much to ask or expect in return.  Next work in progress?  Getting this chip off my shoulder and trying to "get over it."  Listened to these words a bit last night and they haunt, considering my current mindset...


 

Sunday, January 22, 2017

So Little Time...

Thank you to a couple of old blogging friends who have taken the time to find me again.  I am so sorry that posting tends to be difficult these days.  So much going on!  Most of the time I really don't know what end is up!

I have done no art in more than a year.  I picked up a little sketch book that gives subjects to draw and I love that.  That said, my drawing sucks.  I guess this is by and large why I haven't been doing any.  I am so very discouraged and defeated with it.  I have never really improved.  I've been trying for years, love it, but spend more time upset at myself, beating myself to death with my ineptitude.  It takes away joy when the work yields such a bad end result.  I have done a couple of sketches in the book.  Whatever medium is handy when I've been taken over by the desire to create.  With the exception of my little sketch of the Cat in the Hat head, the few I've tried really do suck.  I tell myself that Van Gogh used grids...I can use grids.  But I never can erase my lines nicely and it is time consuming.  Sigh...

I'm very very tired as well.  I believe this is by and large due to stress and depression.  My job absolutely is sucking the life out of me.  I just am not happy in it.  I've been applying and applying elsewhere.  I was actually told by not one, but two! headhunters that I've been out of accounting for too long.  Really?  Since 2014?  Ok.  Guess that expensive BBA is useless!!!!  After everything taken out of my check (all those deductions), I end up bringing home about $10.00/hour.  With my level of education and drive I am appalled.  Not enough.  Life isn't cheap.  Bills.  I keep trying.  I keep striving.  But admittedly, I feel as though life is a chore.

I am thinking of returning to school for a second bachelor's degree.  I seem to be locked into healthcare so nursing BSN is the idea.  I will die with student loans.

Marriage?  I've loved this man for 2.5 years.  I find that now we're married, we butt heads so often.  It gets dirty ugly around here.  I cry alot.  I have little outlet and when he found out I ran something by a co-worker he was furious.  Counseling?  He won't go.  I can't afford it, even with my insurance.  Managed care, need for referral, co-pay, and working with my primary brings it to a dead bang end.


So the purpose of this blog seems to have slipped away.  Again.  I wanted to write a story.  Alas, I just don't always have much imagination.  I might get an idea but to spin fiction is a bit beyond my ability, I guess.  I tend to love writing personal essays, which is basically my opinions on things.  I took that class in college and I loved it!  My favorite genre of writing style!  Because it is flat out my opinion and I am allowed to have them.  I can inject humor and twists and turns...

I am a reader and murder mysteries tend to be my favorite.  I also like historical fiction.  Non-fiction is generally not for me, unless it is educational.  Self-help?  Oh the horror.  I just will not read them.  Well-meaning friends have suggested books...and I shudder.  I just cannot stand them.  I have even pulled out an old college history book a few times and read for sheer interest.  I find reading doesn't happen much lately either.

I am gone about 10.5 hours per day with commuting.  I'm useless when I get home.  No energy for anything.  I did, however, just get blessed with my 6th grandchild!  Wow!  I am 57 1/2 years old.  I feel old physically.  Mentally?  Not so much.  One highlight...no one seems to think I am my age.  I even have one patient who is ten years younger and flirts with me every time he comes in.  He's cute too.  Am I interested?  Not even remotely.  I am married.  But what I am is so very flattered that someone finds me attractive.  I am a sad case.