I have done no art in more than a year. I picked up a little sketch book that gives subjects to draw and I love that. That said, my drawing sucks. I guess this is by and large why I haven't been doing any. I am so very discouraged and defeated with it. I have never really improved. I've been trying for years, love it, but spend more time upset at myself, beating myself to death with my ineptitude. It takes away joy when the work yields such a bad end result. I have done a couple of sketches in the book. Whatever medium is handy when I've been taken over by the desire to create. With the exception of my little sketch of the Cat in the Hat head, the few I've tried really do suck. I tell myself that Van Gogh used grids...I can use grids. But I never can erase my lines nicely and it is time consuming. Sigh...
I'm very very tired as well. I believe this is by and large due to stress and depression. My job absolutely is sucking the life out of me. I just am not happy in it. I've been applying and applying elsewhere. I was actually told by not one, but two! headhunters that I've been out of accounting for too long. Really? Since 2014? Ok. Guess that expensive BBA is useless!!!! After everything taken out of my check (all those deductions), I end up bringing home about $10.00/hour. With my level of education and drive I am appalled. Not enough. Life isn't cheap. Bills. I keep trying. I keep striving. But admittedly, I feel as though life is a chore.
I am thinking of returning to school for a second bachelor's degree. I seem to be locked into healthcare so nursing BSN is the idea. I will die with student loans.
Marriage? I've loved this man for 2.5 years. I find that now we're married, we butt heads so often. It gets dirty ugly around here. I cry alot. I have little outlet and when he found out I ran something by a co-worker he was furious. Counseling? He won't go. I can't afford it, even with my insurance. Managed care, need for referral, co-pay, and working with my primary brings it to a dead bang end.
So the purpose of this blog seems to have slipped away. Again. I wanted to write a story. Alas, I just don't always have much imagination. I might get an idea but to spin fiction is a bit beyond my ability, I guess. I tend to love writing personal essays, which is basically my opinions on things. I took that class in college and I loved it! My favorite genre of writing style! Because it is flat out my opinion and I am allowed to have them. I can inject humor and twists and turns...
I am a reader and murder mysteries tend to be my favorite. I also like historical fiction. Non-fiction is generally not for me, unless it is educational. Self-help? Oh the horror. I just will not read them. Well-meaning friends have suggested books...and I shudder. I just cannot stand them. I have even pulled out an old college history book a few times and read for sheer interest. I find reading doesn't happen much lately either.
I am gone about 10.5 hours per day with commuting. I'm useless when I get home. No energy for anything. I did, however, just get blessed with my 6th grandchild! Wow! I am 57 1/2 years old. I feel old physically. Mentally? Not so much. One highlight...no one seems to think I am my age. I even have one patient who is ten years younger and flirts with me every time he comes in. He's cute too. Am I interested? Not even remotely. I am married. But what I am is so very flattered that someone finds me attractive. I am a sad case.