Saturday, February 4, 2017

Depression? Anxiety? Melancholy?

Call it what you will...but I kind of want to try to distinguish...a little self reflection.  And no...I don't think that I am really self-absorbed so much.  I just choose to write about what I know.  Me.  Then I don't step on anyone else's toes.  I hate offending people.  I'm a mouse at times.  Fierce when necessary.  But basically...a doormat who doesn't like to offend.  So...back to subject at hand.

I've always considered myself a melancholy type of person.  In the interest of writing this post, see online definition(s) as follows:

Part of Speech

Adjective1. Characterized by or causing or expressing sadness; "growing more melancholy every hour"; "we acquainted him with the melancholy truth".[Wordnet]
2. Grave or even gloomy in character.[Wordnet]
3. Depressed in spirits; dejected; gloomy dismal.[Websters]
4. Favorable to meditation; somber.[Websters]
5. Somewhat deranged in mind; having the jugment impaired.[Websters]
6. Producing great evil and grief; causing dejection; calamitous; afflictive; as, a melancholy event.[Websters]
7. Being sad, gloomy, dreary, mournful or sorrowful. [Eve - graph theoretic]
8. Being dismal, cheerless, bleak, sullen or doleful. [Eve - graph theoretic]
9. Being sorry or rueful. [Eve - graph theoretic]
10. Being somber or saturnine.[Eve - graph theoretic]
Noun1. A feeling of thoughtful sadness.[Wordnet]
2. A constitutional tendency to be gloomy and depressed.[Wordnet]
3. A humor that was once believed to be secreted by the kidneys or spleen and to cause sadness and melancholy.[Wordnet]
4. Depression of spirits; a gloomy state continuing a considerable time; deep dejection; gloominess.[Websters]
5. Great and continued depression of spirits, amounting to mental unsoundness; melancholia.[Websters]
6. Pensive meditation; serious thoughtfulness.[Websters]
7. Ill nature.[Websters].

Well...color me corrected.  Totally re-directs where I was going with this blog post.  Sheesh.  I guess I always considered melancholy, or melancholia, along the lines of adjective definition number 10 or noun definition number 6.

I am quiet and introspective.  Some people bring out my sense of humor, my joie de vivre.  But circumstances in life, injustices, meanness, nastiness of human spirit, stresses and worries...all tend to take me down.  I get sad when faced with daily struggles and all of the above.  Stressors always include worries about money, relationships, traffic, job pressures...and did I say relationships???

I love to make people laugh, easily make fun of myself and when the spirit is not mean, can laugh at myself when someone else does it.  I like the clouds, the rains, the winds, the storms of nature.  I am told that this makes me mentally unsound.  Sunshine and heat?  Not my favorite.  Makes my eyes hurt, burns my skin, makes me sweat.  I don't take criticism well.  I have had a lifetime and gutfuls of it.  Constructive?  If presented right, I can take.  I am a staying in watching movies, reading a book, writing (even if just a letter), doing something creative, looking at photos...thinking.  I spend a lot of time in my head.  Its rather interesting to me up in there.  I do not have an addictive personality.  I don't take meds, unless antibiotic in nature and necessary.  No dulling what life throws at me.  Want my head in the game all the time.  I want to experience life fully, to the best of my ability.

All these things, these thoughts, according to my other half, make me abnormal and in need of psychological help.  I don't pour things on peoples' heads, spit in their face, call them names, or in any manner threaten.  I don't try to control their opinions or their thoughts.  I don't talk over them or insult them.  If I can't say something nice, I try to say nothing at all.  I don't bully.  I would be devastated to know I hurt someone, anyone, in any way.  So I shut down when these things happen to me.  I don't just "get over it."

I guess this is too much to ask or expect in return.  Next work in progress?  Getting this chip off my shoulder and trying to "get over it."  Listened to these words a bit last night and they haunt, considering my current mindset...